A while back I wrote about how I become a bachelor pad mom when Luis travels and gave a few high-level creative solutions for surviving while your parenting partner is traveling. While it’s good in theory, putting it in action is another story! Here are the details on how I implement those solutions of modifying the structure, creating a relaxed atmosphere and focusing on the temporary:
Modifying the structure is a simple MUST when your partner is traveling!
What you “normally” do won’t work when things aren’t normal, so being rigid will only make things worse. Try to focus on what you can modify to makes things a bit easier on the kids and on yourself.
Prioritize the Needs:
You designed your life with specific responsibilities for you, for your partner and for your children. So if your partner leaves, those responsibilities don’t disappear, you have to cover them the best that you can. But that doesn’t mean you have to be superhuman, it means you have to prioritize and focus on meeting the NEEDS not doing all the TASKS, and there is a huge difference.
Before your partner travels, discuss the big needs they fulfil and work together to figure out how you will fill those needs while they are gone. For us, Luis is our fun, our light and our silly. He can get any of the boys from crying to giggling in a matter of minutes, something I’m just not that great at. So when we leaves, our agreement is for me to do less of the tasks and house work so I can be more present, less stressed, and really spend my mental energy on having fun and creating fun games to replace some lost giggles while Luis is gone.
Modify the Routine:
You also have specific routines, like when homework gets done, when baths are taken and when you fulfill domestic responsibilities. Moving the silliest of tasks around is by far the biggest help for me when Luis is traveling. Luis ALWAYS does the dishes after dinner and preps the coffee for the morning (I know, I got so lucky on this one!). So, if it’s on me to do the dishes, doing them after dinner is the worst time for me. I’m in the middle of homework and bath time and books and snuggles. Just think, I put the baby to bed at 7:30, my five-year-old goes down at 8, both 7-year-olds go to bed at 8:30 and my 10-year-old goes to bed at 9. That means I have to start routines right after dinner for everyone to have a calm bedtime, get their own cuddles and special time, and get the sleep they need. And to me, those things take priority over a clean kitchen, especially nighttime snuggles! So instead, I unload the dishwasher and make the coffee right before I go to bed and just keep putting dishes in throughout the day so I can start it just before dinner to ensure they are ready to be put away at bed time (and yes, those dinner dishes rot in that sink until morning!). Before your partner travels, think through the tasks they do and decide if it’s actually necessary and if it is, what’s the best strategy for you to tackle it around YOUR priorities while they are gone. And it’s ok if some things just don’t get done! I don’t touch a thing in the garage or clean all the toys in the backyard until Luis gets home, oh well, judge me!
Creating a more laid-back atmosphere makes a big difference!
We all know how stressed you feel when your partner is traveling, but not letting the kids absorb that energy is crucial for them feeling safe, secure and happy while your partner travels. So, while this may be the hardest part for some (raises hand), creating a relaxed atmosphere amongst the chaos is super important.
Let the small things slide:
As I mentioned, anyone that knows me knows that I am a little high strung (ok, a lot). But the mantra for me and the boys while Papi is away is to: “Let the small things slide and forgive often”. On a normal day, the boys put their own laundry away, know to put their shoes in the closet, clear their own plates and take care of their own toys. And this is not their “chores”, this is their responsibility as young, strong boys. This is another article for another day, because it is a life changer! But, that also means I follow close behind and provide reminders. “I see shoes in the living room, can someone help?” “Oops there are toys on the floor, are they no good/should I get rid of them or would someone like to put them away?” And while I say this in a supportive tone, they also know if mom found it, it’s going to disappear if they don’t take care of it. BUT… when Luis travels, I just don’t have the time to follow them around some sometimes they just forget, like typical kids. So I have to remind myself VERY often to just let it go. I didn’t remind them, they are kids, we forget. So while they definitely know what to do, I forgive and forget and just use the closet toss method with the things I find around the house before bed.
It’s ok to be a little silly too:
Allowing yourself to be silly and see the funny in the crazy is also 100% required! This last trip, I heard screaming from the backyard and almost dropped the baby as I ran to figure out what was happening. I fly through the back door to see one of my seven-year-olds dangling by one foot a few feet off the ground with no way to get down. He had been playing on the rings of the ninja course, flipped upside down and put his feet through the rings, only to lose his grip and fall, getting one foot caught in the ring and saving himself from certain death (at least that’s how it felt). Mom-panic ensued and of course my adrenaline shot through the roof as I lay the baby in the grass and tried to get his foot out without him falling on his face. We got him safely to the ground and he just stared at me, ready for the “What in the world were you thinking?!?!” speech. Still on 10, I looked at his face and thought, if this isn’t one of those moments to give some grace, I don’t know what is! I spared the lecture and we sat in the grass laughing at how crazy that was, and at least he didn’t die.
This too shall pass!
And last but not least, keep reminding yourself, and the kids, that this is only temporary! This is the biggest blessing of them all since I’m not sure I’d survive all 5 of these boys on my own even on a semi-permanent basis!
Remind the kids that it’s only temporary:
Of course, the kids are going to love fast food and longer screen times, but they also desperately need structure and limits. So, just remind them that it’s fun to have a little indulgence once in a while, but that in the long term, too much of anything isn’t always a good thing. This is a great opportunity to have meaningful conversations about healthy eating, explaining what foods fuel the body and which foods can just be fun to eat. It’s also a perfect time to explain that every minute spent watching TV or playing video games can be fun, but it’s a minute they aren’t spending engaging with their families, learning something new, or out adventuring and experiencing new things.
Remind YOURSELF that it’s only temporary:
Give yourself some grace! Again, this is temporary, this doesn’t make you a lack-luster mom, it doesn’t mean you can’t “handle” it and it definitely doesn’t mean you love your children any less. Remind yourself that you are doing your best to cover the job of another parent. You are physically and emotionally doing much more than you and your partner have agreed for you to do, in a culture that is not set up for you to do it all. Keep reminding yourself that you are going above and beyond so it won’t be perfect and it won’t always be easy. Remind yourself of this every morning, every evening, and each time you feel that self-doubt creep in.
Hang in there Mama, you’ve got this! And if you are a mom with a partner that travels, please feel free to leave a comment with any great tips or tricks you have to help the rest of us out here!