The Love, Forgiveness, Trust Equation

Ok, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted. And for the loyal readers, you know why. When life hits, it hits hard! But here I am, resurfacing again because life is also an amazing journey with joy and struggles, and it wouldn’t be real if we just pretended the struggles didn’t happen…

In the last post, I shared about my journey to self-love, about finding my footing again after the unimaginable heartbreak of our family separating. The trip to Tennessee with MJ, Matthew, and Jack was a turning point, a testament to my newfound strength and independence. I was finally breathing, finally believing I could be okay, truly okay, on my own. I had built a fortress of self-worth brick by brick, securing my own happiness from within, no longer dependent on anyone else’s validation.

Then, the unthinkable happened.

 

The Call That Changed Everything  

Just a few short weeks after we got back from Tennessee, my phone rang. It was Luis.

My breath caught in my throat. Luis. My Papi. The man I had shared so much with, the father of three of my five boys, the person I thought was my forever. His name on my screen sent a jolt through me, electrifying every nerve ending, shattering the fragile peace I’d painstakingly built. For months, I had been in a constant state of heartache. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed, days the tears flowed endlessly. My body ached with the absence of Jasper and Mateo, a phantom limb pain that never truly subsided. I had prayed for this moment, prayed for him to reach out, for some sign, any sign, that there was a path back to what we had.

And now, here it was. The very thing I had yearned for, the miracle I’d begged for, had arrived. But instead of immediate relief, a tidal wave of emotions I thought I’d buried forever crashed over me. Feelings, thoughts, fears – all packed away so deeply, so carefully, that I believed they’d never see the light of day again. My world, which I had just managed to right, spun completely upside down all over again.

 

Unpacking the L.F.T. Equation: Love, Forgiveness, Trust

The initial conversations were… bewildering. Every word, every tone, every silence was scrutinized, analyzed. My mind was a battlefield, replaying memories, questioning motives, wrestling with the sheer weight of it all. I felt utterly overwhelmed, like I was drowning in a sea of conflicting emotions. How could I feel such intense love, alongside such deep pain? How could I want to move forward, but also be terrified of getting hurt again?

It was in this chaotic space that a new framework began to emerge, almost instinctively. I started to separate my feelings into three distinct categories: Love, Forgiveness, and Trust. Treating them as three different, yet interconnected, entities became my anchor in the storm.

Love

This was the easiest, and yet the most startling, realization. Despite everything, despite the pain, the separation, the tears, the months of struggle… I realized I loved Luis just as much as I always had. That deep, abiding affection, the shared history, the unbreakable bond of our children – it hadn’t diminished. It was a part of me, woven into my very being. This wasn’t a choice; it was a truth that resonated in my heart. This love felt different now, perhaps more mature, more tempered by fire, but undeniably present.

Forgiveness

This was harder, yet surprisingly, it came more readily than I anticipated. I had already spent months grappling with anger, resentment, and a profound sense of injustice. But through my own journey of self-healing, I had learned the power of letting go. Holding onto bitterness was only hurting me, poisoning my own well-being. So, I started to extend forgiveness. Not just for the pain he had caused, but, and this might sound crazy, for the things he hadn’t even done yet. This wasn’t about excusing actions; it was about releasing myself from the burden of carrying that hurt. It was a conscious decision to move forward, unencumbered by the past, for my own peace of mind. Forgiveness, I realized, was a gift I gave myself.

Trust

Ah, trust. This was the big one. This was the Everest I still had to climb. While I loved Luis and had found it in my heart to forgive him, I realized I did not, and could not, trust him yet. This wasn’t a judgment of him; it was an act of profound self-love and self-preservation. My intuition, that quiet voice I had only just started truly listening to, whispered that trust needed to be re-earned, slowly and deliberately. It wasn’t something that could be instantly restored, like flipping a switch. Trust, for me, was about consistency, about actions matching words, about time. And I needed to trust myself enough to know that prioritizing my healing, and the stability of my boys, meant not rushing into a space where trust hadn’t yet been rebuilt. This meant loving myself enough to say, “I love you, I forgive you, but I need time to trust again.”

 

A New Kind of Love, A New Path Forward

This realization – that love, forgiveness, and trust could exist independently – was incredibly liberating. It allowed me to engage with Luis from a place of clarity, rather than confusion. I could acknowledge my love, extend my forgiveness, and simultaneously protect my vulnerability by recognizing the need for trust to be a separate, rebuilding process. It allowed me to prioritize my own healing journey, to maintain the self-love and strength I had fought so hard to cultivate, while also opening the door to love in a new, more powerful way than I ever expected. A love that was honest about its boundaries, a love that respected my need for safety and time.

The future remains an adventure yet to be chartered. We are taking baby steps, carefully, consciously, toward understanding what a new normal might look like for all of us. There’s no roadmap for this. Will our family of seven ever be that again? I don’t know. Maybe not in the way it was before. Or maybe, just maybe, it will.

What I do know is this: I have hope. Hope for healing, hope for repair, hope for everyone’s well-being – for Luis, for Jasper, Mateo, MJ, Matthew, Jack, and for me. And no matter what the future holds, I know I will face it with the strength of a woman who learned to love herself first, and in doing so, opened her heart to a love that is deeper, more resilient, and more honest than anything I’ve ever known.